This past year I have reflected a lot on what matters most in my life and have asked myself, am I willing to relinquish everything to God? If I am to make this an honest conversation with you, I have to say that it has been tough. All the years I spent saying yes to God’s assignment led me to serve under leaders that were not so nice...and may I say, many were just bad people. Many of you have shared your own stories with us, painful stories of mistreatment that basically describe the same song but different dance. I am sober enough to understand why this happens and how it happens. My purpose in having this honest conversation is to hopefully help fresh, young pastors and leaders who are in the first years of their ministries to stay emotionally and spiritually healthy. I also hope to encourage older, more experienced pastors and leaders in the later years of their ministries to have the courage to say something about the troubling things they see, rather than to not say anything. It’s not easy to describe what it’s like to live in the wake of a narcissistic pastor, leader, or even just a person you know. Professor of Counseling and Christian Spirituality at Western Theological Seminary, Chuck DeGroat says, “Perhaps the most frightening thing about narcissism’s bite is that it often comes without leaving a physical wound. The trauma inflicted can look like humiliation, hypercriticism, silence, exclusion, affairs, flirtation, jealousy, extreme mood swings, crude jokes, constant jealousy, bargaining for love, guilt, shame, control of finances, sexual manipulation, blame shifting, isolating one from friends and family, threats, boundary violations, and much more.” The more I read about narcissistic abuse, the more I understand why I have felt the way I have felt for so many years. Living in the wake of narcissism is traumatic because of the mental and spiritual abuse that occurs. This trauma is uniquely heightened when we trust clergy that hold a uniquely powerful role in our lives.
For many years I tried to discern between the different kinds of events that didn’t sit well with me in my role as a pastor. Some of these events were simple choices of preference that I would not have made, but others were moral choices that were objectively wrong. Looking back now I can say that I failed in not standing up for myself more when I should have. My choices were tethered to so many different factors, and many of them came from good intentions. At times I felt the fear of letting God down or even the fear of hurting the Bride of Christ, His beloved Church. And yes, some of my choices resulted from being mentally tired and the fear of losing all the things I had worked so hard for. But after a year of reflection, I no longer think of these things as merely bad experiences, I see them as a response to trauma. One day I had a new church council member approach me and ask, “Is it normal for the leader to constantly put you down, Yoel?” I quickly dismissed his question by saying it was just friendly banter, but it was not. For years this leader would, on a monthly, weekly, and sometimes daily basis, call me homophobic slurs, make fun of my weight, and use anything he could think of to try to put me in my place. I noticed that when I would lose weight, or when anyone gave me compliment in this leader’s hearing, I would have to put up with a period of more inappropriate jokes about me. There are so many stories that I could tell. I remember when a visiting leader that we all knew and respected gave me a compliment on how much weight I had lost and how good I looked. I cringed inside when I heard that compliment because I knew what would follow. Immediately the other leader said, “Yoel looks like a f** (homophobic slur).” The visiting leader who was also a friend did not laugh and called him out on it. He said that leaders or anyone, should not take liberty to say things like that. The leader responded by looking at me and saying that I DID look like a f** (homophobic slur) and told us that he did not have to be careful of what he said. This treatment was not unusual, I was treated this way often as were many others. This is just a snapshot of living in the wake of a narcissistic person. Chuck DeGroat also says in his book, When Narcissism Comes to Church, “Those affected by the bite of the narcissist do not feel it right away and may even think they deserve it. The narcissist develops the uncanny ability to make others feel crazy, uncertain, confused, insecure, and bewildered. Sadly, this occurs in a variety of contexts, not least in the church.”
Navigating behind the wake of a narcissist leader is mentally exhausting. They know how to read a room and how to read people better than anyone else. They are masters on how to act “fauxnerable”. “Fauxnerability” is the art of using false brokenness and staged vulnerability under selfish pretenses, just to get an emotional reaction from their audience. It is often used by talented politicians who put on a show to make themselves look vulnerable, their sole purpose being to manipulate your heart and win your vote. I knew I had reached the end of the road with this leader when his tactics became more intentional to put me in my place. He constantly swung from such emotional highs to such emotional lows that you never could figure out what was honestly happening with him. Within a period of several weeks, I experienced two similar instances with him that left me disturbed, angry, and confused. There were other instances that had hurt me more, but these two experiences had intentionality. As I was standing in an open office area having a group discussion with some of our team members, this leader shocked me by grabbing my butt and leaving his hand there while asking the team members if he was doing something inappropriate. A couple of weeks later, I was standing in my office having a meeting with some of our team members, both men and women were present. He came in and proceeded to do the same thing again. He grabbed my butt and squeezed his hand there for about 10 seconds, asking the HR person if he was committing a violation. I did not smile, nor did I laugh, but I tried to ignore him. It was designed to humiliate me as I stood in front of those that I helped lead and among mixed company. I knew in that moment that everything in me had to stay calm because he did things like this intentionally to incite a reaction. These kinds of leaders enjoy entrapping you by getting an emotional reaction. Over the years I had learned to just redirect and to not react, in an attempt to diffuse his abusive tactics. He treated me this way to show me that he was the boss, and to emphasize to me that he could do whatever he wanted. Some of you might ask why I did not report this treatment. The ugly truth is that even when reported, often nothing productive will ever come of it, the denomination and leaders are repeatedly protected. How much less attention would be given to my mistreatment because I am man, and because the district supervisor was this leader’s good friend. This is where I come back to the start of my story. Looking back on it all now I can see I should have stood up for myself more, but I was so often stuck thinking that I was just one conversation away from making things all better with this leader. I love the Church, but I love it too much to look the other way at some of the toxic patterns that represent the North American church. I believe healthy change is possible if we humbly have honest conversations with one another. A good place to start this conversation is to ask ourselves the questions listed in my post titled, “Accountability? Maybe. Craziness? Most Definitely!”
If you are working for or have a relationship with a narcissistic person, please know that you are not alone. If possible, go see a professional counselor or remove yourself from that situation as soon as you are able. Toxicity many times is not detected until well after you remove yourself from that environment. It has been almost a year and I am thankful that God restores and renews. Please do not hesitate to contact us through our website if you’d like to have a conversation.
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